Monday 20 April 2015

Dealing with Guilt followed by Commitment

After Steve's diagnoses and a better understanding of the disease. The journey of acceptance began to evolve. I say evolve as for us it didn't come over night. Acceptance will often trigger guilt.  Why didn't I understand, why didn't I know?
GUILT is anger directed at ourselves. It's about what we didn't do or should have done.  We want to condemn ourselves.  It can be a good reminder, at times, of our messing up but we must never let the fruit of the tree of good and evil keep us exposed to our misgivings.
COMMITMENT It's an act, not a word, in difficult times and challenging adversity. It is during times of distressing situations that we really learn who the other person is and who we really are ourselves. It is at times like this when we come to love the person for him or herself and not just for the feelings and experience they give us.

Sunday 19 April 2015

Processing the Process through Denial

A proper diagnoses is so important with any disease. I had no idea what I was dealing with when my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, however at least I had a label that I could do some research on. Understanding the disease helped ease tensions. We were able to sit down together as a family and discuss and come to some understanding of what was happening. The website www.LBD.org became my lifeline.

Acceptance doe not mean running away from the struggle; it means accepting it as it comes with all the handicaps, suffering, complexities of life and its injustice.

These excerpts are taken from my book "When Troubles Fall Like Lemon Drops" which will be published shortly.

Next we will talk about the Guilt and Commitment that followed me after the Acceptance.

Friday 17 April 2015

My first response to this journey was denial. DENIAL There was my own personal denial of my husband Steve's condition.He was just having burnout and we were going to fix it. This being disorientated and forgetting things is something we all experience.Missing appointments, not being able to focus on reading his notes became a little more concerning. So we will fix this with B12, DHA, Q10 Gingo Biloba or anything that can feed the brain. Steve was in denial so any form of confrontation was unresponsive. There was my own personal denial of myself. Mental and neurological illness carries a huge stigma. While I was showing to the world that I was very much in control, I was battling my own personal demons of self-acceptance, regret, loss of control and worthlessness. After all this whatever is happening is affecting not only Steve but the entire family. ANGER What was taking place was not just happening to Steve it was happening to me and why? He seemed to be functioning on so many levels. He sleeps, eats, manages himself somewhat independently but can't or won't carry on an intelligent conversation. He hardly recognises I am in the room. My anger affliction was damaging and contagious. It began to affect our children. SELF-PITY Self-pity really stinks if you sit to long on your pity pot. I'm deprived of friendships, a husband, relationship, intimacy. I have no one to help me with anything. You can so easily get caught up in self-pity that you can convince yourself that the problem is not the person who is ill, since all you see is your own problem. ...Journey to be continued.

Tuesday 14 April 2015

It is 6:25 AM Canada Day July 1 2009
I roll over in bed and feel the urge to go to the bathroom. I hear shuffling in the kitchen and a snap sizzling sound.
It's my husband opening a can of diet coke. Good Lord, a diet coke at 6:30AM!! Then I say to myself, his pleasures are limited so enjoy.

Life has changed considerably for us over the past ten years. Six of those years, going to doctors, specialists, MRI's, Cat scans neurological testing, vague diagnosis such as, white matter disease, TIA's, frontal lobe etc.

Then a phone call came from our neurologist, "Your husband has Lewy Body Dementia." What is that was my response. Life had already made some drastic changes for us as it was.

The long journey entailed many changes, losses, and readjustments. At least now we could research and try and come to some kind of understanding about what was happening to a loved one that is slowly fading away.

The journey has resulted in recording my journal in my book which has just gone to print.' When Troubles Fall Like Lemon Drops.' Encountering Lewy Body Dementia' and rebuilding our lives as a family.

We will continue this journey in my next blog.